Or my weapon, or any other person’s pawn or tool. My children are not here to be used, taken advantage of, or taken for granted. My children are light and love and everything good in this world. And while there are days that they drive me crazy, my heart is filled with nothing but love for my little weirdos.
They are mine to protect.
I cannot express the heartache I feel, that I am sure most parents, or for that matter, most humans, parent or not, feel when we hear the stories in the news in which a parent has used their child as the ultimate weapon against the other parent. The “if I can’t have them, no one can” mind set is one I will never understand, nor do I hope to. I cannot fathom a world where I could hurt my own child, or worse yet, end the life I so carefully brought into my world. I am certain in many, if not all, of these cases there are underlying mental health issues at play, but I do not wish to go into that subject here today. Today I want to focus on the seemingly smaller, but still damaging actions some parents find themselves taking when there is a breakdown in the relationship between parents.
It’s all too easy to say the wrong thing. Goodness knows I’ve done it. A thought pops into my mind, my mouth opens, and before my filter has had a chance to say, “Hey! Dumbass – don’t say that!”…out it goes. I can remember a time when my daughter was 2 years old and I was baking a cake for my best friend’s birthday. It was an elaborate dinosaur cake – complete with an icing river and chocolate rock landscape. I was really working hard and pretty proud of how it was going when my darling little girl asked if she could help. I sat her up on the counter next to the cake and let her add a couple more chocolate rocks, but when she insisted on continuing to “help” me out I became frustrated that I was losing control of how the cake was turning out and time was running out to get it finished. When she kept on trying to get her little fingers on that cake, I blurted out, “Stop, you’re going to ruin it!”
Wow. Not my best mom moment.
That little girl climbed down from the counter, lowered her head, and slowly walked out of the room. I was instantly filled with regret, horror, and shame. Those 6 little words had a massive impact on her.
As parents we all have these moments. I shared mine today because I know I am not alone. We all say things at times without really thinking of the consequences, and it becomes easier to speak without thinking when our emotions are high. When we are stressed, upset, or angry. When we are seeing our marriage dissolve. When we find out a spouse has betrayed our trust. When we are filled with guilt or shame for having been unfaithful in our relationship. There are so many reasons to feel emotionally overloaded and it can become difficult to keep our thoughts and words in check. But little ears are often listening. They hear when you talk badly about their other parent. They hear when you fight over who has to pay for the soccer uniform or the next class field trip. They hear you tell your friends in the next room how hard it is to juggle the kids between two houses. You may have your opinions on how things are or should be, or how your ex is behaving, but those are thoughts not meant for our children. Our children are completely capable of forming their own opinions about the people in their lives. They may not see everything at a young age, but they can feel the love and ultimately decide who they trust. It is not up to me to tell them how they should feel about another person, least of all their other parent. How I feel about another human is my own problem (or pride) and I will not force my opinion on anyone else, just as I don’t expect those I love to tell me how I should feel about someone in my life.
(And for the record, my daughter and I had a long talk after mommy said sorry for her mean words. We made up and she has long since forgotten about the incident with the cake, but I learned an important lesson that I continue to remember.)
Another common thing we see when a marriage ends is the fight between parents on who “gets” the kids. This is a very delicate subject but I will say that I myself am so happy to see that the general thinking is moving more to a shared 50/50 custody agreement rather than simply handing full rights to the moms without a real look at the capabilities of each parent. Sure, moms are capable, but so are dads. This isn’t news, or at least it shouldn’t be, and yet I still find myself surprised when someone says to my boyfriend, “Oh, you took your 2 month old baby girl with you to a car show without her mom?? How did you manage that?” Well folks, he parented. That’s how. He is just as able to lug around an infant, change a diaper, love her up, and keep her fed as I am. Trust me on this, my guy has this thing daddying thing down pat. And those parents who don’t know how to do it all right off the bat will figure it out, with time. We all had to start somewhere and learn on the job at some point. One thing I do know is that my kids need their mom and their dad(s). They benefit so much from having both parents, and now their step parents, in their lives. Would it be easier to simply take them, start fresh somewhere new, raise them in one house, and not have to have a discussion over phone or in person over the big decisions in their lives? It’s possible. But that is not what is best for my kids. They need and deserve both their momma and their dad – each and every day – or as much as possible. They still deserve their family, even if we don’t live together like we used to.
I’m not a perfect parent. I am simply a mom trying to do what’s right for her kids. I don’t always make the right choice. I sometimes say hurtful things. Some I have forgotten, and some will stick with me for a long time. But I do pride myself, and the other 3 adults in our family, for the way we parent the kids. We parent together. We say nice things about each other. We don’t ever make the kids feel like they have to choose a side. In fact, there are no sides. We are a family circle.
T